Do it at Ten

As I am forced to hold down a regular job because of my need to eat and desire not to sleep on a park bench, I am similarly forced to participate in the morning commute, a task which I am sure most find as distasteful as I do. In order to ease tension and make the travel to and arrival at the workplace as comfortable as possible, I offer the following:

It is morning. It is rush hour. It is called rush hour for a reason. The other people traveling with you? They are rushing to work. They do not want to go to work. They do not even like work. But they must go. Be courteous to them. And by courteous I mean get out of their way. If you are not going to work, if you are, say, wandering around looking for garage sales, slowing down at every intersection because it might be the street you are looking for, you are in the way. Other people’s crap will still be for sale at ten. Search for 1125 Sycamore at ten.

Under no circumstance should you buy lottery tickets during the morning commute hours. For those of you who don’t know, these hours are between 6:30 and 9:00 each morning, Monday through Friday. Do you see the long line of people behind you? Yes, those people with bloodshot eyes who keep looking at their watches and sighing extra loud. See how they look like they want to tackle you? Those people are trying to get to work. Those people are tired. This is why they are buying energy drinks and coffee in Styrofoam cups. Some of them are even waiting to buy cigarettes because they have not had their morning fix yet. They did not get up an extra fifteen minutes early so they could stop by the CONVENIENCE store and stand in line behind some asshole (you) who is holding up the line to gamble. The drawing will not be held until evening. Buy your tickets on your way home. Or on your break at ten. Better yet, hand your two dollars to the guy begging outside the store. He probably needs it more than the state does. Just get out of line so the rest of us can get to work.

The toll booth is not like a pop quiz. No one has sprung it on you. The toll booth is in the same place. Every single morning. It costs the same amount of change. Every morning. With this in mind, please have your money ready before you get to the gate. Better yet, get your toll money ready when you leave your house. Keys? Check. Purse? Check. Toll money? CHECK. You know you are going to take the tollway. I know it. You know it. Do not stop at the gate and fumble through your wallet searching for money. Do not engage in long conversations with the toll attendant. Yes, I know the lane says “Full Service” but this is not an invitation to hang out all morning. Hand the woman your money, get your change, and get out of the way.

Learn to merge. This one seems so easy. Accelerate. Signal. Move seamlessly between the other cars on the road. Some of you seem caught up on the first part. Again, first step – Accelerate. This means drive faster. A lot faster. If the cars already on the interstate are going 65, you will not be able to merge at 45. It is for this reason that an on-ramp usually ends in something called an “acceleration lane.” It is not called the “stop, hold up all other traffic, and wait for a mythical opening lane.” It should not be used as such.

Do not ever – and I mean ever – greet someone on the first morning back for the week with the phrase, “Looks like someone has a case of the Mondays.” If you are ever going to quote a line from a movie, do not quote the most blatantly annoying line from the most blatantly annoying character in an otherwise cool movie. Such irresponsible quoting will surely earn you a punch in the face. Even from the feminist.

And yes, I am cranky this morning. I already know.