Conversations I wish I could finish otherwise

So it's the first administrative week and the first week of classes, which basically means it's the week that the former occupants of hell escape their fiery grave and drag the brimstone up with them. Okay, it just means the faculty and students are back and the "livin is easy" summertime is over. Either way, I've been busy. Very, very busy.

The first three days of this week I spent helping the faculty get ready to teach. They spent most of their days in meetings, while I spent mine stocking up on supplies, setting up copier codes, retrieving forgotten copier codes, issuing keys, ordering keys, ordering name plates, retrieving passwords, setting up mailing lists, setting up mail boxes, processing last minute hires, re-setting up mailing lists and mail boxes, and moving furniture. Then yesterday, classes began and the students returned. A partial transcript follows:


Lost Student #1: (standing in front of door with signs reading “2079” above and beside it) Can you tell me where 2079 is?
Me: Right behind you.
Lost Student #1: Thank you.
Me: No problem.


Mother of a student: I want to know why my daughter didn’t get into your graduate program.
Co-worker: I can’t give you specifics. I can only tell you that there were many qualified applicants this year.
Mother of student: Well, what am I supposed to tell my daughter?
Co-worker: I imagine you’d say what you normally say to someone who is disappointed.
Mother of student: Well, how many international students did you guys let in?


Really Lost Student: I can’t find my class. It says it’s in 2083, but it’s not there.
Me: Okay, do you have your schedule with you?
Student: (hands over schedule) It says Math 131 in room 2083.
Me: It says this class starts at 9:30.
Student: Right. I went in there, but it was a statistics class.
Me: It’s 8:45 now.
Student: But the people who are in there are from another class.
Me: Right.
Student: They all just looked at me when I walked in there.
Me: That’s because they were in the middle of class.
Student: But my class doesn’t start until 9:30.
Me: Right.
Student: So there’s another class before mine?
Me: Right.


Lost Student #2: I’m looking for 2079.
Me: Right behind you.


Lost Student #3: Can you tell me where room 213 is?
Me: Sure. Do you have your schedule?
Lost Student #3: (irritated) It says “Temple 213”
Me: This is Oliver Hall.
Lost Student #3: Then why am I in here?
Me: I couldn’t tell you.


Lost Student #4: I’m looking for my math class.
Me: Sure, what class.
Lost Student #4: I’m not sure.
Me: Can I see your schedule?
Lost Student #4: I don’t have it with me.
Me: Do you know what course it is?
Lost Student #4: No.
Me: How were you going to get there?
Lost Student #4: (looking through notebook) I wrote down the room number. 324.
Me: That’s not in this building. Did you write down the building?
Lost Student #4: No.


Co-Worker in charge of Science Day tables: Can I help you with anything?
Student: No. I already know everything you’re talking about.
Co-Worker: Great! The line for the Nobel forms on the left.


Me: Can I help you?
Lost Student #5: Room 2079?
Me: Right behind you.


New Graduate Teaching Assistant: I need a key to my desk.
Me: Those are hand-me-downs from years ago. We don’t have any keys. I'm sorry.
New GTA: One of the old TA’s gave me a key for the top drawer.
Me: That’s great. But I don’t have any other keys.
New GTA: But I need one for the bottom cabinet.
Me: Maybe another graduate student has one. We don’t have any. They’re old desks. I don’t even have keys to my own desk.
New GTA: But I need to lock up my purse.
Me: Why don’t you use the drawer you found a key for?
New GTA: I want to lock it in the bottom drawer.
Me: I don’t have any keys for that.
New GTA: Then what do I do with my purse?


Lost Student #6: Where is room 2079?
Me: The door behind you.
Lost Student #6: Oh. Well they should put up signs!
Me: Like that one?
Lost Student #6: Oh.


Student on phone: I need to speak to Professor Smith.
Me: We don’t have anyone by that name here.
Student on phone: Professor Smith?
Me: Do you know what department he or she works in?
Student on phone: Physics.
Me: You’ve reached the Math department.
Student on phone: Right. (Sighs) And I’m looking for Professor Smith.
Me: In the Physics department.
Student on phone: Right!
Me: Let me transfer you to the Physics Department.


Me: (to coworker) I may have to strangle one of my graduate students.
Co-worker: (without looking up from her desk) Do what you gotta do.
Me: Maybe a couple of other people too.
Co-worker: Your call.
Me: Just needed permission.