So the ACLU has become involved in the case of a 14 year old boy expelled from a Detroit school because of the length of his hair. The boy, Claudius Benson, and his mother argue that the cutting of hair is forbidden in the Bible. According to the article:
Benson’s mother said she strictly abides by various Old Testament provisions, including a passage in the book of Leviticus that forbids the cutting of hair: “Ye shall not round the corners of your heads, neither shalt thou mar the corners of your beard,” Leviticus 19:27
The ACLU has filed a lawsuit under the claim of religious liberty and says that the school is violating both the religious freedom and freedom of expression of this young man. And I agree.
But that’s not really the point of my post today.
The mother’s argument got me thinking (this is always dangerous).
You probably think she’s either a) crazy or b)some religious zealot taking the Bible waaay too seriously. But what if she’s not? What if there really is a god and he’s not too happy about all these close-cropped people wandering around claiming to be his followers? What if everyone else has it wrong and this woman and her kid (and a few people stranded on deserted islands where they don’t have scissors) are the only ones he’s going to let pass through those gates?
So I did a little research (also a dangerous thing), and I picked up a Holy Bible (and no, neither I nor the book burst into flames) and found some really interesting stuff. If the literalists are right, pretty much everybody is an abomination unto the LORD and there are going to be a whole bunch of dudes with crew cuts standing around at the end of the world, shrugging their shoulders and saying, “What the hell?”
To which some fiery deposed-angel dude’s gonna respond, “Exactly!”
Now I haven’t had a haircut in nearly two years (mostly because of poverty), so I might escape the wrath there. But all those small town barbers, despite their weekly sermon attendance, they’re definitely goners. As are all the women under hair dryers in those big New York salons. Get used to the heat, ladies. And don't even get me started on skinheads (of course, they may have a few other issues to worry about).
And here’s (potentially) why a few others won’t make it to the promised land:
Leviticus 11:10 And all that have not fins and scales in the seas, and in the rivers, of all that move in the waters, and of any living thing which is in the waters, they shall be an abomination unto you:
According to the next couple verses, the Big Guy doesn’t even want you touching the abominable shellfish. All those folks at working Red Lobster? Better trade those aprons in for fire-retardant suits. Live in the bayous and have a taste for the crawfish? Prepare for a pain worse than a thousand of those suckers getting hold of a finger. Like the way those pearls look dangling around your neck? Learn to hold your breath because I’m almost certain inhaling fire and particles of brimstone tends to be a tad suffocating.
Again, I’m pretty safe on this one. I don’t like sea food much, and aside from a plate of steamed octopus I tried while in Japan, I don’t think the stuff has ever passed my lips. And I was really drunk when I had the octopus, which I’m pretty sure is a valid excuse. Plus, I found it to be an abomination too, and think I even implored Jesus to help me find a napkin in which to spit it out.
Then there are a few verses in chapter twelve discussing childbirth. Apparently, when a woman gives birth, a priest needs to be present. I have no problem with this – there were already five or seven people in the room while I had my legs in the air. What’s one more? So a woman needs to get a lamb of not more than one year and a pigeon or dove and give it to the priest:
Leviticus 12:7 Who shall offer it before the LORD, and make an atonement for her; and she shall be cleansed from the issue of her blood. This is the law for her that hath born a male or a female.
If you can’t afford a lamb the Bible says you can bring two turtles or two young pigeons for the offering as well.
Now here’s where I’m in a little trouble. See, I don’t remember a priest being there, and those damned nurses wouldn’t let me bring any wildlife to the hospital. Something about health codes.
I also came across a few passages about not oppressing an alien who resides with you in your land and not withholding the wages of laborers. Oh, and something about leaving the excess of your harvest for the poor because they need it and because “I am the Lord, your God” and he said to. And there might have been something about newlyweds not being sent to war for the first year of marriage, but I’m not sure any of those are really relevant.
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