How Sub-Zero changed my life

As I polished off the last bits of my lunch – a bag of Chex Mix and a non sugar-free soda – I thought about how I perhaps should have had something a tad more nutritious. However, as this would have required either going outside of the building and purchasing something or bringing a meal from home, I decided not to be too hard on myself about it.

The first option isn’t really an option because, well, for one thing, it is raining outside. But more than that I am limited by both time and money and food on or near campus can be found but it is either cheap or nutritious. Or smokable.

The second option – bringing something from home – sounds plausible. I could get up early and make something to bring with me each day. But then I remembered that in order to get up earlier I would have to stop sleeping sooner, and this option no longer appealed to me.

All of this pondering made me tired, so I put my head down on my desk for a few moments, and when I woke up I was hungry again.

Last night I was watching HGTV and for some reason they were touring Kelly Osbourne’s house, and she was very proudly showing off her $12,000 Sub-Zero refrigerator. While I was watching, I thought about how much different my life would be if I had such a refrigerator. And by different, I mean better. And by better, I mean more like that of a celebutante and less like that of a single mom.

Of course, the appliance itself was larger than my current kitchen, but I figure if I could afford a twelve-thousand dollar refrigerator, I could probably afford a larger kitchen as well. And if I could afford a kitchen big enough to house a twelve-thousand dollar refrigerator, I could probably afford some sort of help, you know, to take care of the kitchen and the refrigerator.

I’m pretty sure this is what I was dreaming about when I lay my head down on my desk.

The reality is that I have an apartment-sized galley kitchen with an apartment-sized stove and an apartment-sized refrigerator. My freezer will hold one quart of ice cream, two bags of frozen vegetables (pizza rolls), and three frozen Healthy Choice (Hungry Man) dinners. The refrigerator itself has two shelves and one drawer.

If I had a Sub-Zero instead of the Westinghouse compact, I just know my entire life would be healthier and happier. Whenever I wanted a snack, I could just reach into one of the many refrigerated drawers and grab an apple or a handful of grapes. Admittedly, I could do this now, but with only one drawer, all my grapes end up smashed under the thirty pounds of deli meat required to keep my son in sandwiches throughout the week.

Plus, if I had a twelve-thousand dollar refrigerator, I could find things when I look for them. So instead of grabbing a pudding cup because pudding cups are at the front of the shelf and I’m too busy and important (lazy) to move things, I could have yogurt or one of the fruit cups obscured by the pudding and leftover chocolate cake and day old donuts in the way*. And because I would have someone to clean my Sub-Zero refrigerator (remember paragraph three?), I would never reach for an orange only to discover fuzz had already grown on them in the three short months since I decided to turn my life around and eat only fruit (but had quickly given up on because, hey wait! There are pudding cups!).

And, you know, since I had someone to clean my refrigerator, I could probably afford a few more people as well – one to cook healthy, nutritious meals for me and for my son (who would probably refuse to eat them, and would eat out every night because I’d probably spoil him with a new sports car and an allowance larger than my current annual salary plus whatever money he stole from my purse because, yes, with that much money, I’d also have a wine cellar and a bar and would likely be intoxicated most of the time), and a couple more to clean the rest of my house and keep things organized. Because I really crave organization, but I also really crave sleep and time in front of the television, so . . .

Anyway, with all the time this would free up for me, I would probably be okay with getting up a little earlier to make a lunch for work (of course I would still have to work. Where do you think I would get all this money?). Then again, I would probably just have one of the servants take care of that for me and with the extra time I could probably engage in some other healthy activity, like joining a gym (pub crawl) or hiring a personal trainer (at-home bartender).

I would be so fit.
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*Of course I’m kidding. I don’t have yogurt or fruit cups in my kitchen