Melancholy today. I don’t like it one bit. I want to be happy. Happier. But unlike before, happiness seems to have a cap. An endpoint at which I can no longer feel anything but the numbness of separation. Because after all of the heartache and the sadness and the hurt we experienced together, it feels selfish to be happy now. Without her.
Especially when the only time I ever believed I deserved the happiness was when she loved me and I loved her.
I understand the separation anxiety and the guilt, but you deserve to happy outside of your relationship with her, past or present. You are more than what you were/are with her, as a couple. You always deserve happiness. The scary thing is whether you are willing to take it. There were other times you were this happy. Other people, other experiences, just think back. You do not need someone else to allow yourself to be happy. Plus, I love you. Have less guilt and more laughter, love and life.
ReplyDeleteI know all this. I SO fucking know all this. That's the shitty part. Those are the very things I tried to share with her and somehow on the journey I lost sight of the path and she slipped off into the woods ahead of me. So,I'm just alone in the forest again. Wandering. And the woods are lovely and dark and deep, but . . .
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