How Love Turns Out

This morning I was going to send you an email wishing you a great day because it was so beautiful outside and I'd had fun last night and let go a little bit for the first time since getting back here and Manny had called me on my shit about being hard on myself and making up even harsher things I think other people are thinking of me and he was so right man and I saw it and we all laughed about it. I have to change. I've been trying to change that all my fucking life. But it was beautiful out this morning and I thought of telling you I hoped you had time to get outside and enjoy it maybe take your dogs for a walk because it would be so good for your soul but before i logged on this morning I went for cigarettes. I walked through this historic district that turns abruptly and without notice into the crack district where I bought smokes and toilet paper because I am still not organized enough to remember such things when i should and I'm sorry I let you feel like you needed to take care of me and my shit because the truth is I hate that more than ANYTHING yet I somehow find myself with people who do that and then resent it and I resent the resentment as well as my very existence and it all goes downhill from there.

Before I could send your email I had one from you. Move on. That's what you said. As if I am a dog who stayed too long in your yard. I have been waiting for it. Known it was coming.

Thank you for finally doing it.

Even more than that, thank you for finally being the one to break me of that bad habit I had of trying to be the better person. I have needed it done for years. No one else will hurt me. Not ever again. Thank you for teaching me the very thing I have needed to learn most.

Ruthlessness.

Mistakes We Know As We Make Them

Some time last fall

I miss touching your soul. I miss the strength it gives me. I miss the way it warms and fills the air around me, the air I breathe in. I miss you. I need to bond with you. To emotionally and spiritually bond with you. I feel like the time we’ve been spending together has been a different kind of time, which is good, so good that I get to spend my time with you, that I get to spend forever with you. But we haven’t been spending that kind of time together like we should that kind of time where I don’t know I’m freewriting this and Supergirl is sitting in the chair, her eyes fixed on Hannah Montana which we have been watching for hours now, quietly, chuckling to ourselves every so often, talking a little, bonding. But I want to bond with you. I feel like I have been trying so hard, while at the same time, trying not to pressure you , doing my own thing, but we have been missing that kind of time, that kind of time like we spent talking and listening to that band on my birthday, or the time we spent on our date nights just talking and being together, or you reading our cards at a friend’s house, or walking through the East Village and a group of people breaking into song, or driving through the Ledges, through the countryside, learning about you, experiencing you and the world with you and I don’t think that probably makes sense but I hope you understand what I am clumsily trying to say because I can’t seem to get things out right and feel like an idiot most of the time but then I’ve always felt like an idiot most of the time so don’t think it’s you I love you and I cannot think I cannot think because I am an idiot see how this works so I am freewriting to you and sitting in the living room with your daughter  while you sleep and I miss you and I need you because I need inspiration I need fulfillment I need what you can give me what I can give you – that bond – the two flames connected because I need the rush of the flame pushing higher, I need to bask in our love, in our connection, in the melding of our souls. I need to reach that moment of sublime and I am so not talking about sex here, I am talking about everything but sex, about feeling so close to you that I cannot tell where your hand begins and mine ends, so close I can feel the pulse of the universe thumping against my eardrums, so close I think I cannot bear another moment of the ecstasy and I am still not talking anything physical here, it is just that divinity, that moment of motherfucking sublime when the world is so beautiful you want to cry, and you put me there, Rebel Girl, you take me there and for some reason or another we haven’t been willing to go and I want us to go, I need us to go, you need us to go, so let’s just go, okay, let’s just let go of all this other crap that clutters our time and let’s do it, just go