Oh, it's just you . . .

Here’s the thing: As I’ve mentioned before, I don’t get back to Iowa much anymore, and I’m not a big fan of talking on the phone, so I don’t really speak to my family as often as I (and I’m sure they) would like either. This doesn’t mean I don’t miss them terribly (I do), and I know they miss me too. So when I manage to make it home for a visit, I expect them to make a big deal about it. I’m self-centered that way.

They make plenty of plans. The moment I arrive someone is going over the itinerary with me: Tomorrow we’re having dinner and opening gifts with Mom, and she wants us to come over early so we can all cook together and then she thought maybe we could go out to the diner and see (our cousin). Sunday night we’re getting together with Dad and his wife and her kids. But before that, you’re supposed to go with Dad to help him finish his shopping for the kid. Oh and Wednesday, Mom wants you to go to see Grandma, and . . .

Yeah, they all want to see me and spend time with me. I get it. Hooray.

But that’s not the big deal I’m talking about. It’s all well and good to visit and catch up with everyone, and I guess this might be considered a good thing, but when we finally see each other after months and months apart, we just fall back into the same old routine as if no time at all has passed since I left.

What the hell is that about?

I mean, I walk into my younger sister’s house and my mom is sitting in a chair reading to my nephew and they both just look up and say, “Merry Christmas.” Okay, so my mom said, “Merry Christmas, Baby Girl.”

But this is just not acceptable. How about some enthusiasm? How about a hug? How about jumping up and down and squealing about how they just can’t believe they’re actually getting to spend time with me?

Am I not a rock star?

I mean, I haven’t seen these people in over a year, and they haven’t had the privilege of spending Christmas with me in several years. I expect them to show me an appropriate amount of excitement. In other words, there should be so much fawning and applause that even I’m embarrassed and have to ask them to settle down lest they pee their pants (my family members have incredibly small bladders).

When I walk into a room after such a long absence, I want to feel like I just won a damned Academy Award. And one for best actress, not for something no one cares about like “best sound editing – short film.” I mean, I’d prepared a speech and everything, but then they were all like “Oh, hey, Merry Christmas” and giving a speech just seemed silly.

Stupid family.