I have re-awakened from a nightmare and it feels like it might take this time, like I am finally seeing things from the other side of the looking glass and can no longer figure out how to get back to the other side. One of the most difficult parts of coming out of this shit is that by the time I actually start to feel normal again and like I can handle anything, i have usually driven away all my friends.
Too many late night panicked calls. Too many blubbering calls. Too many calls. Period. I can't even be hurt or offended by it because I know someone with a mental illness and have been on the other side. I know where my friends and loved ones are coming from. I am the friend and loved one of a mentally ill person.
I've decided to just go with it. Fuck this shit. Fuck it, just write. Whatever. That's the key. The honest truth is, when I look back over my life, most of the really bad decisions, the ones that changed things for the worse, I made because I caved to what other people thought and convinced myself it was the right choice, even though I could feel in my heart and soul that it wasn't.
Too many late night panicked calls. Too many blubbering calls. Too many calls. Period. I can't even be hurt or offended by it because I know someone with a mental illness and have been on the other side. I know where my friends and loved ones are coming from. I am the friend and loved one of a mentally ill person.
I've decided to just go with it. Fuck this shit. Fuck it, just write. Whatever. That's the key. The honest truth is, when I look back over my life, most of the really bad decisions, the ones that changed things for the worse, I made because I caved to what other people thought and convinced myself it was the right choice, even though I could feel in my heart and soul that it wasn't.
I have no next step. Submitted a few things this week. Took a few walks. Played with my nephew. I miss my friends. I miss them. Not the crazy woman, but me - I miss them.
But I know the pattern. I have been here before. Some people I will have scared away for good, but eventually, the ones who are strong enough and love me enough and who I once shared enough laughter and the good parts of the crazy woman with will remember that version of me - this version of me - the one on the right side of the looking glass.
But I know the pattern. I have been here before. Some people I will have scared away for good, but eventually, the ones who are strong enough and love me enough and who I once shared enough laughter and the good parts of the crazy woman with will remember that version of me - this version of me - the one on the right side of the looking glass.
I remember this woman, and I have been on both sides of that looking glass with you, just sayin'. Regardless of what is down that rabbit hole, or on the other side of that looking glass, it is ALL part of what makes you so great. Real friends get it and stay around. Those who don't, f-them.
ReplyDeleteThanks for helping me find all those shards of glass and even helping me shatter the mirror a few times, especially considering you know how much fun it is to watch an obsessive-compulsive try to find every damned piece of the thing and glue it all back together;)
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