I Loved the Way You Pounced

You brought out this part of me, this part I thought had died or I had killed or he had killed so long ago. And it brought out the lion in me the same way my education did, the same way my awakening did. And then I went and fucked it up you know. Like I do all things that are good for me. Because I think I don’t deserve them. Which is such bullshit. I stopped taking care of myself like I was at first because I am a total selfish bitch even though I am also one of the most selfless. I’m a dichotomy. I’m dichotomous? Whatever. But I figured why should I you know because you didn’t care even though I knew it wasn’t true and even though I knew that I was only contributing to the problem by becoming this horrid person and starting to doubt myself. Another stupid cycle, circling a drain. This is the kind I am best at creating. Which sounds kind of hopeless, you know, like I am crazy therefore I will never not be crazy. But I don’t believe it. I have to not believe it. Because each time I learn. Not just how to stop it all from going down the drain, but how to keep the whirlpool from starting in the first damned place. The most important part is to never lose confidence in what I already know. To never stop trusting myself. I may find out I was wrong later, but if I do what I think is right and best right now, then I have no need for guilt. The key ingredient I was missing, the thing I have been lacking most of my life and I finally really understood for the first time, I found when I met you. I have no problem with the knowledge and trust and confidence – only in action. And my inaction is what causes my guilt. I did not make you stop and turn around. I could have saved you all this pain, every last bit of it, if only I had acted on what I knew and trusted and was confident about and made us turn around. So I am working on the lion thing. Pouncing when I need to pounce. Not feeling sorry for the antelope or even the tourist who wanders into my cage. Because I am only doing what is in my nature to do.  And I am finding out why I can’t let the guilt over that go.