Mistakes We Know As We Make Them

Some time last fall

I miss touching your soul. I miss the strength it gives me. I miss the way it warms and fills the air around me, the air I breathe in. I miss you. I need to bond with you. To emotionally and spiritually bond with you. I feel like the time we’ve been spending together has been a different kind of time, which is good, so good that I get to spend my time with you, that I get to spend forever with you. But we haven’t been spending that kind of time together like we should that kind of time where I don’t know I’m freewriting this and Supergirl is sitting in the chair, her eyes fixed on Hannah Montana which we have been watching for hours now, quietly, chuckling to ourselves every so often, talking a little, bonding. But I want to bond with you. I feel like I have been trying so hard, while at the same time, trying not to pressure you , doing my own thing, but we have been missing that kind of time, that kind of time like we spent talking and listening to that band on my birthday, or the time we spent on our date nights just talking and being together, or you reading our cards at a friend’s house, or walking through the East Village and a group of people breaking into song, or driving through the Ledges, through the countryside, learning about you, experiencing you and the world with you and I don’t think that probably makes sense but I hope you understand what I am clumsily trying to say because I can’t seem to get things out right and feel like an idiot most of the time but then I’ve always felt like an idiot most of the time so don’t think it’s you I love you and I cannot think I cannot think because I am an idiot see how this works so I am freewriting to you and sitting in the living room with your daughter  while you sleep and I miss you and I need you because I need inspiration I need fulfillment I need what you can give me what I can give you – that bond – the two flames connected because I need the rush of the flame pushing higher, I need to bask in our love, in our connection, in the melding of our souls. I need to reach that moment of sublime and I am so not talking about sex here, I am talking about everything but sex, about feeling so close to you that I cannot tell where your hand begins and mine ends, so close I can feel the pulse of the universe thumping against my eardrums, so close I think I cannot bear another moment of the ecstasy and I am still not talking anything physical here, it is just that divinity, that moment of motherfucking sublime when the world is so beautiful you want to cry, and you put me there, Rebel Girl, you take me there and for some reason or another we haven’t been willing to go and I want us to go, I need us to go, you need us to go, so let’s just go, okay, let’s just let go of all this other crap that clutters our time and let’s do it, just go