This morning I was going to send you an email wishing you a great day because it was so beautiful outside and I'd had fun last night and let go a little bit for the first time since getting back here and Manny had called me on my shit about being hard on myself and making up even harsher things I think other people are thinking of me and he was so right man and I saw it and we all laughed about it. I have to change. I've been trying to change that all my fucking life. But it was beautiful out this morning and I thought of telling you I hoped you had time to get outside and enjoy it maybe take your dogs for a walk because it would be so good for your soul but before i logged on this morning I went for cigarettes. I walked through this historic district that turns abruptly and without notice into the crack district where I bought smokes and toilet paper because I am still not organized enough to remember such things when i should and I'm sorry I let you feel like you needed to take care of me and my shit because the truth is I hate that more than ANYTHING yet I somehow find myself with people who do that and then resent it and I resent the resentment as well as my very existence and it all goes downhill from there.
Before I could send your email I had one from you. Move on. That's what you said. As if I am a dog who stayed too long in your yard. I have been waiting for it. Known it was coming.
Thank you for finally doing it.
Even more than that, thank you for finally being the one to break me of that bad habit I had of trying to be the better person. I have needed it done for years. No one else will hurt me. Not ever again. Thank you for teaching me the very thing I have needed to learn most.
Ruthlessness.
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