Looping

I am not shitting you I was in the middle of this sentence - the last sentence of this today when my sister called to say she’d just passed our mother on her way here for a surprise inspection or as she merely calls it "a visit" and after entertaining her for an hour and a half during which she sat in my chair and played some sort of dice game with my nephew for which they used the Yahtzee box lid, and the rules for which I couldn't get but seemed to me like something I'd seen played in a back alley in Japan, I am just now, eight and some partial hours later, getting back to this particular freewrite. I had a point. Then. When I was writing it. But now after an entire day of polite conversation and preschool conversation and the narration in my head, I do not know where I was going when I began.

I spend too much time on the internet reading the news which only serves to depress and/or anger me if not both at once which is what it usually is because as I told you before, I am dichotomous.  I have to make sure to stop every so often to write something down. If I read too many articles back to back to back, follow too many links deeper and deeper into the rabbit hole, then I find it very difficult to get back. And I’m kind of tired of the return trip.

All about the mixed metaphor today.

Okay. Every day.

Anyway, I’m kind of, you know, an angry radical feminist.  Sometimes when I’m trying to get along and not cause trouble, I pretend not to be so angry or so radical or such a damned feminist, but it does no good. The yellow wallpaper eventually closes in.

My lesson to myself today is what it has been all my life but the thought of all my life is overwhelming and filled with uncertainty of detail

I have no idea what today’s lesson was. Bastards.  I was trying to think about how to maintain, you know, about how to not let myself go too far and to always step back. I have to step back. I’m supposed to write all this shit down. I’m a historian. My job as writer. As artist.

So maybe I’m just a recordkeeper. Or the lady who keeps minutes at church meetings.